On Motherhood...

I wrote a silly commentary on my own experience in mothering this morning, but have since re-thought it.

I am so much better at sarcastic "tongue-in-cheek" (or foot-in-mouth) than I am at "heart-on-sleeve". But those type of comments are really un-worthy for mother's day.
The truth is that my mom is not here to be celebrated any more, and it still hurts to think about her.

My mom truly cherished her role as mother. One would have to to be willing to bring 10 souls into this world! At times I have wondered how she managed to learn this role so well, seeing as how she lost her own dear mother at the tender age of 12. It must have been very difficult.

Whenever I think of her, I see her doing things - sewing dresses, making bread, herding cub scouts, leading music in Primary - she was always busily "doing" and "caring" for all of us.
She was so much fun to be with, and had a way of making each and every one of us feel that we were her "favorite".
I know that I always felt that I had a special bond with her, because I had so many of the same interests, and I loved to go places - any place with her.
At an early age, I became her "designated partner" for funerals and weddings, because my dad was often too busy and not able to go with her.

She encouraged us to develop and use our talents - music, art, homemaking skills, etc. My sister and I were taught to sing parts at a very early age, and sang together at many church and family activities. (This was a mixed blessing, as I was chronically shy, and terrified of performing in front of crowds - and mom often made us matching outfits to wear, which was sometimes a little embarrassing.)

Later, as I entered the dreaded dating years, mom served as "buffer" between me, the rebellious teen, and my very strict father.
(I still owe her for that!)

I recently found a stack of letters that she wrote to me when I was away at college, and in almost every one, she had slipped me $5.00 here, and $10.00 there, so that I could have not only the things I needed, but a little fun too. After a year, I transferred to a college closer to home, and my journal has many entries where she had come and picked me up and taken me shopping or to lunch. She was always mindful of me.

I was so blessed to live near her after I was married and raising a family of my own - she was always there to help with each baby that was born. When I was expecting my second baby, she knew how badly I wanted a little girl - she was there at the hospital for the birth, and as soon as she learned that it indeed was a girl, she ran right home and whipped up a lacy pink quilt - and had it finished for me to bring her home in the next day!

She was such a sweet grandmother to the kids, and they loved to go and visit her because they knew that there would always be ice cream and chocolate cake!

Many years later, after my dad passed away, she was unbearably lonely and restless until my younger sister and her sons moved in with her. Mom had two little boys in the house to give her love to, and she was content again - being a mother - for the rest of her days.

No matter how many years I occupy this earth, I will never accomplish all the things that she did in her too short time here, nor will I ever be able to make up for all the thoughtless and inconsiderate things that children often put their parents through.

Thanks for allowing me to share -
Happy Mother's Day.

If Only......

I've been working tonight - 7 hours just circling numbers in the phone book...
Everyone went to bed and my MP3 player has played through 2 batteries, so here I sit, alone in the silence circling....
At times like this, I give my imagination license to run free and unfettered - and my dears, tonight it ran completely amok.

This is where my thoughts led me tonight....

If only....I were a writer - I would begin by re-writing every fairy tale, and start liberating princesses!
Cinderella would no longer be held hostage by unattractive and evil tempered step-persons. She would make her escape by dark of night, and wander the kingdom until she was taken in by a kindly retired school marm. She would exchange cooking and light housekeeping for an education. After which, she would win a scholarship and attend the university where she would study by day, entertain at the karaoke hut by night, and volunteer at the local orphan's day camp on the weekends.
When Prince Charming strolls in and tries to pick her up - she will tell him to take his sorry Royal butt back to his throne and park it!
Cindy prefers the not-so-charming but much more sincere abacus nerd.
She will marry him, and when the Prince's kingdom is invaded by Huns and overthrown, she will be snug and secure in her million dollar compound with her doting mate and their slightly clumsy but genius children. (Heck, maybe she will even mastermind the overthrow and instate a democracy!) She will hold seminars during the summer empowering young maidens to take charge of their own happiness because as everyone knows, Princes are overrated anyway - they are big-eared mommas boys who cheat on their wives! Ha ha!

If only.....I were a painter - I would find a way to infuse music into my paints. Music is pure emotion pesonified - so when you looked at my work, you would not only be enthralled by my use of color and light, you would also be profoundly moved by it's rhythm, passion and love. You would leave my gallery emotionally spent, but ever so much the better person for it.

If only.....I were a dancer -
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I'm sorry - I've been hunched over my desk for 7 straight hours, my muscles are tense, cramped and aching - there's no way I can even imagine this one - this division of the arts that will have to do without me!

If only......I could do any other job besides circling phone books!

Good night - it's time to put my imagination to bed.

How to Deal....

I left this as a comment on someone else's blog a while back, but I dredged it up today, because I'm feeling the need to take my own advice. Life has been a bit of a struggle lately. So, here's some advice to me - apply it to yourself as you will...

Here are a few of the solutions that I apply, depending on where I'm at in life...
1. Wallow. Sometimes I just allow myself to feel dang stinking BAD! I cry, I stay in bed all day, I watch stupid stuff on tv...you get the drill. It purges all that yucky karma out of me, so that I can just get over it and move on. *NOTE, The moving on part is very important here, as people do not enjoy being around people who choose only to wallow - all the time. It's very annoying. (That is why wallowing is best done alone - it is not a group activity!)
2. Laugh. Sometimes, bad things happen, then more bad things happen, and on and on until it just begins to feel so ridiculous, that there is nothing else to do but laugh about it. Laughter then produces more laughter, which scientists have proven produces hormones which actually make you feel better, which then makes the problem seem smaller - after all, how can bad things happen to happy people?
3. Escape. Removing my self completely from an unhappy reality is often the only way I can cope. Read a book, re-arrange a room, take a weekend vacation...do something positive to change your situation (or at least your outlook!)
4.Talk. Talk to a trusted good friend, who knows you well enough to take what you say for what it's worth, feel your pain, comfort you, and then tuck your "secrets" deep inside and hold them there forever.
5.If all else fails, as the song says: "Search, Ponder, and Pray."
(I've had to use this one a lot over the last few years...maybe that's why my knees are so bad!?!)

Puppy Ponderings...

What makes dogs think they are people?
Seriously.
If say, you brought a goat into the house and fed it and cared for it, would it jump up and wag it's tail whenever you came in the door? Would it protect and defend your home as if it were his own? Would he grovel at your feet and roll over for a belly rub?
I think not.
So then, what is it about dogs that make them think this is proper behavior?
The canine pictured above is our resident "pup" who goes by the name of Anthony.
After our last dog.....left home.....I made a decree that there would never be another dog in this house. I was tired of the mess and the smell, and the animal hair in the carpet, and all other things associated with having a pet, and I was done.
(This doggie had to be taken away because he did not do well around small children - and there were a lot in the neighborhood. He was always biting them, then the police would come - not good.)
The kids went over my head and brought this one home anyway. (Typical!)
For that reason and that reason alone, Anthony and I can never be friends.
(At least not while anyone is looking!)
He does however, think he's one of us, and as I am matriarch of the family, he tries to appease me.
There have been times that I've been "lonely" and "bored" enough to pay him a little attention. (wink wink) .....I do take him on walks with me, you know just for - "utilitarian purposes" - no one else will go with me, and a woman does need a little protection in this world after all...
Sometimes I like to "mess with his head" and play little "psych" games with him, (you know, like "who's there Anthony? - go get 'em!) ...but this only confuses him and he doesn't even get what I'm trying to get him to do (he's a lot like my husband in this way...) The dog I had as a kid would play this game with me - proving that not all dogs have the same mental capacity - but I digress....
I did manage to teach him several tricks (thanks to The Animal Planet) which he does very well - but he's not great at obedience otherwise...
One day, I was feeling unusually magnanimous, and I sat down on the floor next to him and patted my lap for him to come and sit with me.
He was stunned.
He looked around as if to say; "Who, me?...really?....are you sure?" Hilarious.
I did finally convince him that I was sincere, and he did come and sit on my lap for a bit, but he didn't stay long, and he went directly downstairs to his bed - possibly to wake up from such a bizarre dream!
One year, hubby decided we needed a new family picture, so he invited his niece to come over and do some for us. Anthony sat back and watched as we arranged everybody on the couch, and once everyone was in place, he trotted right up to the center of the group, turned around and smiled for the picture!
Cracked. me. up.
I could go on and on about his little quirks, like how he paces the floor and lets the kids know it's time to go to bed, or how he loves to go camping so much that he completely freaks out whenever hubby goes out and moves the trailer, and will even charge down the stairs and ram his head into the front door, but I don't want to be a bore...
E.B. White said that

"A really companionable dog is an accident of nature. You can't get it by breeding for it, and you can't buy it with money, it just happens along."

For whatever reason, this dog has chosen us and made us his.
Period.

(I tease the kids that I would never waste my scrapbook supplies on him, but I never said I wouldn't blog...ha ha!)

Aauuggghhhh!!!!!

White out!!!
It's a blizzard out there, and I am not amused!
I was supposed to go meet hubby and go to SLC to a Jazz game tonight, but there is no way I am leaving this house with the snow coming at me in horizontal waves!
Chicken you say?
Lilly livered house hider?
You bet. That's me.
I'll be under the bed if you need me.

In other news, I just finished the book "Tending Roses." Such a heartwarming story - I really loved it, but it also stirred up a lot of emotions for me. The story relates to an aging grandmother, which reminded me a lot of what we went through with my mom. I wish her final days could have been more like this instead of the family turmoil we had.

I suppose by now, that the whole world has heard about the passing of Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley. We are so sad. He was more like a loving grandfather than the leader of a worldwide organization. I loved his sense of humor and his humility.
I will miss seeing his face and hearing his voice.

On Making Resolutions.....

I really don't like making them - I'm not good at them.
But that doesn't mean that I'm going to quit hoping & trying to improve myself.
If I were so inclined, my wishes for this year would be to not only stay well, but to maybe even gain some ground healthwise - what a blessing that would be! ....And not to waste my energy chasing frivolous goals with my hobby, but to only do things that will be meaningful to friends & family with it. Creating stronger relationships is a constant goal.
I was just reading another favorite blogger's post, and this is what she had to say about the new year

"i'm blessed because i'm ending the year with every member of my family still here. and i'm also ending it with the same ol' Husband i started the year with.

a new year is always looked at as a new beginning. a chance to start again and to make resolutions. but the cool thing is, every day we are allowed to live is a chance for a new beginning.

that is the coolest thing of all. no need to wait until December 31st to make changes. changes can begin right now. no waiting till midnight. no waiting period."

...kind of gives you a new perspective - where it would be nice if we could be magically transformed into a perfect creature with the coming of the new year, for us change is more like a drip in a cave, ever so slowly shaping us into interesting formations!...for me, right now, I'm going to be glad for the things that haven't changed.

Grinch of Christmas Presents, Dreams, and the Evil Vortex of Doom

Grinch of Christmas Presents

Uh, sadly, that would be me...
Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend during my lunch break, and the topic rolled around to Christmas gifts. I started ranting about how my husband isn't very good at surprising me, and I pretty much complained about every gift he's ever given me. After I left her and went back to work, I got thinking about that, and good grief! I'm sure I sounded so awful! (Even though, after 30 years together, you'd think he would know me better!)....see? there I go again!
It must be so daunting to try to find something to please me, I'm amazed that he keeps trying! - And he's never complained about anything I've given him, even though he must get really tired of getting the same old shirt, book and movie every year (well, they're not exactly the same ones - I vary the colors etc. - but you get my drift...) I do enjoy giving gifts, but I'm not very good at recieving them - I really must work on this!


Dreams

Last night I dreamt that I was in a car with my husband. He was in the driver's seat, completely zonked! - I mean mouth hanging open, chin-to-chest drooling, sound asleep! We were drifting in reverse, all over the road headed into traffic. I could see what was happening, but was too tired myself to do anything about it. I did finally try - pushed my foot on the break, but I was just too weak to even slow it down.
Terrifying dream, but I don't need a shrink to tell me what this means, because I can totally relate to it! We have both been working our little hiney's off trying to get our house together in time for the holidays - the day is looming closer, and we are getting further and further behind on our holiday preparations, because of all the added housework - and we are headed for certain disaster! But we are both too wiped out to care!
I have no solutions or clever comments on the matter - this dream was just so vivid, and had such an impact on me - just thought I'd mention it in passing....

Evil Vortex of Doom

During the same lunchtime conversation, (see above) The subject of time came up, and how, for some reason, there seems to be less and less of it. I find this completely alarming!
I was telling my friend how years ago, I worked 2 to 3 jobs at a time, came home and did my "mommy duties" ie: meals, laundry, etc. and yet still found time to play. In fact, there was a time when I would come home from work, feed the kids, get them to bed, then go downstairs and paint (one of my other jobs) until 5 am., then go deliver my work, come home, change, and go to work again. (of course I couldn't do that many days in a row - but deadlines had to be met)...and yet (and I completely forgot to mention to her that this was the whole point of telling her that story) I still seemed to have oodles of free time to do the things that I wanted to! (ie: paint for myself, garden, etc.) How can that be???? I have not been able to figure that out! Like right now, I'm only working 4 days per week - I have a 4 day weekend all the time, and yet where is my free time? I have none - zip - nada.
It's been a subject of so much frustration to me, that I even did this scrapbook page about it for my Book of Me:


...my theory is that there is a growing time-sucking vortex moving towards the earth at ever increasing speed. We are careening towards a time when there will be - well - no time left at all! Which is sad really, because I like to play! :(

Whoppers & Time Travel

Isn't it interesting what things trigger certain memories in us?
For instance, there is a lady where I work who always has a well stocked candy jar at her desk, so that when anyone is lagging on the job, and needs that extra little burst of energy that only a little sugar rush can give, it's always there to help us finish out the day. (I found out another reason why she does this when I had the opportunity to substitute at her desk a little bit - it gets really lonely in there, and that candy lures people in so there's always someone to talk to!)

Anyway, I digress - the other day, when I "visited" the candy jar, there were some Whoppers in it (not the usual fare) so, not caring what the fix was - just needing one, I bit into them, and was immediately transported back to junior high, when I used to "forge" notes from my parents so I could leave campus at lunch time and spend all my lunch money at the little candy store on the corner.
(So sorry to have to shock and disillusion you this way, don't worry - I was caught, punished, and turned away from my life of crime!)

- But that's not the point - the point is how this little piece of candy had the power to bring back a certain moment in time with such complete clarity! I didn't realize how long it had been since I had experienced this certain flavor!

It reminded me of one of those "portkeys" from Harry Potter - where all you have to do is touch it, and you go soaring off to another time and place...

Even now the mere smell of "dotted swiss" fabric always reminds me of Easter, and my mom spending the whole night sewing fluffy little dresses to surprise me and my sisters.

There are certain songs that come on the radio, that take me back to those good old days of high school, and "dragging main" with that first boyfriend....There are also those mournful ballads that remind me of my first big heart break!

"Time travel" is not only possible, but it happens randomly every day - you just have to stumble across the right "portal."

In Search of Sunflowers and Other Lost Things...

One day, about a month ago, as I was grocery shopping, I wandered past the plant & flower section back behind the produce (confession; I always do this. I just love seeing what flowers are "in season" each week - their beauty and color always brightens up this drab chore for me.) Anyway, this particular day, there was the most wonderful array of Sunflowers!...These were not your everyday run-of-the-mill sunflowers. These were the ones with the deep reds and oranges, and there were also some exotic ones with that fluffy yellow "fringy" stuff in the center.
They were so gorgeous, and I dearly wanted to take them home with me, but, alas, it was also one of those "end of the paycheck, must be practical" days, so I left, sunflowerless, but vowing to return soon to purchase (dare I hope?) maybe even 2 bunches of sunflowers to delight some boring ordinary corner of my home.
...Just as you suspected, the next time I returned to the store...and every time since, (and every store since) there has not been another sunflower to be had.
This type of thing seems to be happening more and more often to me these days.
Just this week, I created a scrapbook page that needs just a short length of dark brown ric-rack in order to be finished - we are not talking about triple-plated titanium here, just a little piece of plain old ric-rack! But search as I might, I have not been able to locate any. Surely a common everyday item like this still exists?!
...But aparently not in Utah County!
Ah, the lovely things I could create, if only I didn't have to spend all my time searching...
*Sigh* :(

(No, the photo isn't my local grocery store, it's Pike's Market in Seattle, but I loved the sunflowers there too!)