The Zen of Sarcasm

My friend Lucy posted this elsewhere, and I loved it - so I borrowed.
Words of wisdom for the coming year...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like
everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.

10. Give a ma n a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the
windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A Gingerbread Tale

(Explanation - my friend Beth coined a phrase (yon candied maid) and posted it on her blog, it captured my imagination, and as a result - this poem was born! I wanted to paint a picture to go along with it, but good grief, it's less than a week till Christmas, and I have better things to do!
So I borrowed this image from Sew Custom Embroidery)
Now, without further adieu,

The Gingerbread Maid
by Pat Taylor;
A dastardly tale of treachery and dough...

Once there was a cookie
So warm and soft and fair;
Frosting for her frockery,
Gumdrops in her hair.

Her gown be-jeweled with sprinkles,
Licorice lined the hem;
A pair of lemon slippers -
She was so proud of them!

She oft' did go a'strolling
Along the brown sugar beach;
She longed to see those places
So far beyond her reach.

One day, as she thus wandered
Down by the frothy sea,
She spied a rugged sailor
A swarthy knave was he!

His face, it smacked of mischief,
A glint was in his eye -
He said, "Ahoy, yon candied maid,
What brings yourself this way?"

She shyly turned away from him,
Then blinked a lash or two.
She said "My mother warned me
Of strangers such as you!"

The sailor, he laughed heartily
At such a smart reply -
He said, "You have no trust in me -
A fine bloke such as I?"

He cast his eyes upon her,
He looked her up and down;
She looked so darn delicious
In her fluffy frosting gown!

He said, "Why don't you sail with me,
Across the milky foam?
You'll see amazing places -
Oh how you'll love to roam!"

Miss Cookie then did falter,
Her resolve, it was remiss;
Alas, how could mere gingerbread
Resist words such as this?

She gingerly stepped aboard his ship,
As it rocked to and fro;
She felt the wooded deck beneath
Her lemon frosted toe.

He led her to a cabin, such fine security!
Steel bars adorned each window -
Secured with lock & key!
He said, "You'll be safe here my dear...
(from everyone but me!)

The launch, it went just perfectly,
And e'en before you knew -
They were skipping 'cross the ocean waves
'Neath brilliant skies of blue.

They journeyed on and on,
And as they traveled so,
He told her tales of wonder
of the places he did know.

The maid, she watched him raptly,
Absorbed in every tale;
She'd n'er heard stories such as this,
Some even made her pale!

As evening crept across the bow,
She said, "When do we dine?"
"I'll serve you dinner first", said he;
..."And then, you will be mine!"
(insert evil laugh)

Full stunned, the maiden sat upright,
Her eyes grew large as dishes;
"Before you lay a hand on me -
I'll go swim with the fishes!"

Just then, the wind began to blow -
The ship began to roll;
As the sailor tried to save the ship,
The maiden took control...

She sped across the starboard side,
And climbed up on the railing;
She turned and looked him in the eye,
And said, "Ta-ta, I'm bailing!"

She threw herself into the sea -
That churning milky foam...
And cried, "At last - I'm free of him!
This cookie's headed home!"

She swam for hours and hours;
Until her heart did flutter -
She kicked and kicked and kicked so hard,
The sea, it turned to butter!

At last, she crawled onto the shore,
Exhausted, sore and dazed;
Her lovely, fluffy frosting gown
Was now only a glaze!

The moral of this wretched tale?
Of course, that's right, you guessed!
You'd better listen to your mom -
She always knows what's best!

LOL! Sooo sorry - I'll admit, I wouldn't know a pentameter from a haiku, but I had fun with this anyway! Thanks for the inspiration Beth!
(P.S. You owe me two nights' sleep!!!)