This is a test.... This is only a test....

So much on my mind and in my heart today. Hoping I can create some order out of the chaos and make some sense of it all...

Things have been a little insane around here this month - hubby got through the first round of cancer treatments with his brother, but the second round is coming up this week. (Dennis' wife can't be with him all the time, because she's the main source of income now, so hubby fills in for her.)
Dennis is feeling more himself this time around, so he's all the more anxious about the treatments (plus, he's fully aware of what's coming this time.)

On my end, I get more and more concerned for hubby who is bearing such a tremendous burden. Besides being there with his brother, his dad is now having problems too. He's been in the hospital for over a week, and having quite a struggle.
His mom is partially blind and isn't able to drive, so coping with her needs and her fears is a trial too.
...That plus holding down two jobs - just to look at hubby shows how much it is all wearing on him.

- But look in his eyes, and one can also see that the refiner's fire is at work in him, and that he is receiving a measure of joy and satisfaction, (and I hope strength) from all the service that he has been giving. I know that he has chosen this course, and that he wouldn't have it any other way.

The frustrating thing for me is trying to find my part in it all.
The job it took me so long to find keeps cutting hours, and my wages are a joke.
I thought I had a second job in the bag - but this week I discovered that there is no bag.
I'm just here at home alone all day, twiddling my thumbs and feeling completely USELESS. I wish that I could do more to lift the burden, but it seems all I can do is to try not to add to it.

My sister has had me caught up in making plans a trip for the two of us for over a year now. We were going to go this September - but I finally gave myself a reality check this morning, and decided that that dream is a dream that is not meant to happen. At least not now.

There is no way I'll be able to save enough at this point, and whatever I do manage to save, I would so much rather use to help my youngest to get into college, and for my little grans to buy school clothes.

(My daughter in law plans to get their clothes from the second - hand shop this year... There's really nothing wrong with that - she loves being frugal, and the girls get just as excited to find things there as they do at the department store - the only one who minds is grandma.
I love to spoil them, and I love seeing them all dolled up and looking just so...)

To splurge on a vacation right now would just feel selfish and wrong.

Speaking of reality checks - my son Brad flies out this week to search for a new home for he and his wife. And Jenny will be making trips to Ephraim to finalize finacial aid for school. No more pretending that things are going to stay the same - life is about to go on in a big way.

The first time Brad left home, our milk bill dropped about 80%. ...Just one of those silly little things that remind you that something is different - something is missing.
Each soul that has come to our family is so precious, and they leave such a big hole when they are not around. I've been so blessed to have them all close for so long...

I love this quote from Bruce Barton:

"Sometimes when I consider all the tremendous consequences that come from little things, I am tempted to think there are no little things."

I love my family.
.