This guy's been here!

My sister forwarded this to me the other day, and I had to laugh out loud - Jeff Foxworthy knows a lot about rednecks, but how did he get to know us Utahn's so well?
(Ha ha - yup, I know all these people!)

Enjoy!

FORGET REDNECKS; THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAD TO SAY ABOUT UTAHNS!

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September to May, you live in Utah .

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Utah .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Utah

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Utah .

If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of Salt Lake City for the weekend, you live in Utah .

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Utah .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Utah .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Utah .

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in Utah .

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Utah .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Utah .

If the speed limit o! n the highway is 75 mph -- you're going 80, and everyone is still passing you, you live in Utah .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Utah .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Utah .

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly' you live in Utah .

If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends, you live in Utah .

The Zen of Sarcasm

My friend Lucy posted this elsewhere, and I loved it - so I borrowed.
Words of wisdom for the coming year...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like
everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.

10. Give a ma n a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the
windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A Gingerbread Tale

(Explanation - my friend Beth coined a phrase (yon candied maid) and posted it on her blog, it captured my imagination, and as a result - this poem was born! I wanted to paint a picture to go along with it, but good grief, it's less than a week till Christmas, and I have better things to do!
So I borrowed this image from Sew Custom Embroidery)
Now, without further adieu,

The Gingerbread Maid
by Pat Taylor;
A dastardly tale of treachery and dough...

Once there was a cookie
So warm and soft and fair;
Frosting for her frockery,
Gumdrops in her hair.

Her gown be-jeweled with sprinkles,
Licorice lined the hem;
A pair of lemon slippers -
She was so proud of them!

She oft' did go a'strolling
Along the brown sugar beach;
She longed to see those places
So far beyond her reach.

One day, as she thus wandered
Down by the frothy sea,
She spied a rugged sailor
A swarthy knave was he!

His face, it smacked of mischief,
A glint was in his eye -
He said, "Ahoy, yon candied maid,
What brings yourself this way?"

She shyly turned away from him,
Then blinked a lash or two.
She said "My mother warned me
Of strangers such as you!"

The sailor, he laughed heartily
At such a smart reply -
He said, "You have no trust in me -
A fine bloke such as I?"

He cast his eyes upon her,
He looked her up and down;
She looked so darn delicious
In her fluffy frosting gown!

He said, "Why don't you sail with me,
Across the milky foam?
You'll see amazing places -
Oh how you'll love to roam!"

Miss Cookie then did falter,
Her resolve, it was remiss;
Alas, how could mere gingerbread
Resist words such as this?

She gingerly stepped aboard his ship,
As it rocked to and fro;
She felt the wooded deck beneath
Her lemon frosted toe.

He led her to a cabin, such fine security!
Steel bars adorned each window -
Secured with lock & key!
He said, "You'll be safe here my dear...
(from everyone but me!)

The launch, it went just perfectly,
And e'en before you knew -
They were skipping 'cross the ocean waves
'Neath brilliant skies of blue.

They journeyed on and on,
And as they traveled so,
He told her tales of wonder
of the places he did know.

The maid, she watched him raptly,
Absorbed in every tale;
She'd n'er heard stories such as this,
Some even made her pale!

As evening crept across the bow,
She said, "When do we dine?"
"I'll serve you dinner first", said he;
..."And then, you will be mine!"
(insert evil laugh)

Full stunned, the maiden sat upright,
Her eyes grew large as dishes;
"Before you lay a hand on me -
I'll go swim with the fishes!"

Just then, the wind began to blow -
The ship began to roll;
As the sailor tried to save the ship,
The maiden took control...

She sped across the starboard side,
And climbed up on the railing;
She turned and looked him in the eye,
And said, "Ta-ta, I'm bailing!"

She threw herself into the sea -
That churning milky foam...
And cried, "At last - I'm free of him!
This cookie's headed home!"

She swam for hours and hours;
Until her heart did flutter -
She kicked and kicked and kicked so hard,
The sea, it turned to butter!

At last, she crawled onto the shore,
Exhausted, sore and dazed;
Her lovely, fluffy frosting gown
Was now only a glaze!

The moral of this wretched tale?
Of course, that's right, you guessed!
You'd better listen to your mom -
She always knows what's best!

LOL! Sooo sorry - I'll admit, I wouldn't know a pentameter from a haiku, but I had fun with this anyway! Thanks for the inspiration Beth!
(P.S. You owe me two nights' sleep!!!)

"Narcissist Day"

(Gosh I hope I spelled that right!)
My daughter has not lead a charmed life. No,(especially while she was in school,) things were usually pretty rough for her. She invented a "tool" to help her get through these days - she called it "Narcissist Day" she would proclaim one of these days anytime things got particularly hairy, and she needed to "boost' her self-esteem.
On Narcissist day, you are not allowed to say anything negative about yourself...you are only to rend the air with praises to your own beauty, wisdom, and glory.
She was really good at it too! She would absolutely have us all believing that she was an amazing and wonderful human being! (which in reality, she is!) But I think it did help her to feel better about life, and about herself (and to laugh about how silly life can be!)
I've been pretty down on myself all this weekend. In fact, during a chat that I had with a friend last night, I beat myself up pretty good. There are a lot of things I'm not feeling too great about at this point in time (most obviously, the way I look), and I decided as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, that maybe it was time to proclaim a Narcissist day for myself. However, when I tried the next morning, I found that the words just caught in my throat and wouldn't even come out! I can't even pretend to be "Fabulous!"
Goddesses do not waddle to and fro when they walk, or have to buy their clothing at "Buckets & Barrels," or wear 3 inch thick glasses just to see what time it is!
They do not have to beg Prince Charming for a minute of his time, or get asked to jump in the pond because their croaking is disturbing the choir.
So, sadly, Narcissist day did not happen today, nor is it likely to anytime soon!

Still Crazy After All These Years!

When my son was little, he was always building "friends" for himself, out of clothes, balloons, blocks, whatever was handy. (photo on the left)
He's married now, and "grown up"(?) but one night last weekend, after he had been here to change for work, his dad went down to his room, and this is what he found.
(photo on the right)




He's still doing it!

Schpeils on Wheels...

Ok, so I was reading through all my posts the other day, (always in search of that ever-present typo) and I realized - if I didn't know me, and had to judge my personality solely on what's printed here - I would never guess that "this person" had a sense of humor! ...and I do! I have a delightful sense of humor! Thousands of...well, dozens - ok, well, at least one person has mentioned that to me at least once...
So it's time to lighten up a bit...
I was reading a friend's blog (a very brilliant friend!) and in one of her posts she was comparing herself to a vehicle - saying that if she were one, she would be a dumptruck (!) Well, if she were in fact a dump truck, she would be a sushine yellow one, with scrolly black detailing, plenty of shiny chrome, and a super hydrolic lift,...ok, I'd like to go on, but I really have no idea what goes into a dump-truck. What I'm saying here is that I think she's cool.
She made this comparison, making it sound as if it was a bad thing, like it would be so much better to be a racy, fire-engine red convertible...but you know - those kind of cars are the first ones the police notice when they are speeding, they often get smooshed up, because people make them go faster that it is prudent to go - and they wear out, and go out of style much more quickly...
Personally, I am thankful for dump trucks! Imagine if you will, a road construction crew, having to shovel gravel hauled by a little red convertible - modern travel would be at a stand-still! Who is it who is always there to clear off the road when mother nature dumps 4 feet of snow in 2 hrs. time? (Ooops! she mentioned she hates shoveling snow too - sorry!)...but really, who's going to do that? Huh??? Not those little convertibles! They can't even get out of the driveway!
Ok - let's look at it from another angle - if say, I were a vehicle...I would be an old '52 "Rambler," it may have looked nice once, but those days are over never to return again. It is stashed away in the back of the scrap yard where no one can see it anymore, because it is an embarrassment to others of it's kind. It's wheels are rusty, and don't move at all anymore without making that horrible grinding noise that makes everyone turn around and cringe...the best it could hope for would be to be re-furbished and displayed in an auto show, but alas, the old Rambler was never noteworthy enough to even be classified as a "classic."
So, my dear friend, there are much worse things than being a dump truck. Be glad for the day that God in his wisdom created you to be strong, useful, dependable, and to have an essential place in society, and can not be replaced by anything (or anyone) else!